So I have enrolled my son in the local football team. Saturday morning arrives and I receive a message stating that all children must have 'Shin Pads' in case of 'Hard tackling'.
I don't really know what would constitute hard tackling (something to do with fishing maybe) but I know that we don't have any shin pads & the shops won't be open in time for me to obtain some prior to practice commencing.
Amazon drone delivery where are you now! I take it all back; we need you.
My son is already keyed up for his first practice so there is nothing for it but to try and fabricate some shin pads from items that I have lying around the house. My mind starts whirring with the complex algorithms known only to dads who are trying to bodge together a last minute fix for something.
TO THE SHED!
Now I need to make sure that these shin pads are reasonable enough to pass casual inspection. My son will already have to put up with a parent who stalwartly refuses to converse with other parents at the edge of the pitch & has never watched a football match. The last thing he needs is to be bullied for having ridiculous 'home spun' shin pads.
The final product is one that (I have to admit) I am quite proud of. The shin pads are a composite of polystyrene, cardboard, damp proof course, staples and lots and lots of gaffa tape. But to the casual observer, they look ok. We have some difficulty getting them onto his shins but in the end I manage to staple them into place and assure him that that is what all the top football players have to do.
'That's why Roonie always looks so edgy' I say, 'it's coz the staples are digging into his shins all the time'.
We set off for the recreation ground and I get instantly confused as there are around six different groups of children practicing with coaches variously bellowing instructions at them. We finally find the correct group and I usher my sporty offspring in the direction of the other children.
'No Mercy son...there is no fear inside this dojo'
This is what I think about saying. But I keep it all inside. My son is at least a head taller than any other child on the pitch so I guess he will be alright. The gaffa tape shin pads look stunning and I notice that some of the other kids have arrived without proper leg protection after all.
Pathetic. Don't their parents own sheds. A point to team Gasson!
I try and mentally prepare myself for the ordeal ahead of me. Training will last an hour but, all my previous experience of football inclines me to believe that this will equate to around four and a half hours of relative time once the boredom sets in.
I should point out here that I am one of those blokes who has no interest in football. I don't understand it. I never have.
I just can't see the appeal. Maybe it's due to the fact that no one in my family supported a team or ever watched football. We would watch 'Ski Sunday' together as a family (God knows why as we have never been near a ski slope), but never football.
I was taken sailing and understand what a spinnaker is but I've never been to a football match.
Football (whenever I have had to watch it) appears to go on for a mind numbingly long time without anyone ever scoring.
I have heard that a hundred years ago, score lines were much more interesting (7-2, 12 - 4 etc) & surmise that this is due to peoples smaller stature in years past which made it easier to score and consequently more interesting to watch. One should never underestimate the entertainment value of violence in the stands either.
I would therefore like to suggest to FIFA that all goals be made two feet wider. Also, if; at the 90 minute mark no one has scored; the referee can remove a player from each team every five minutes until there is a decisive result.
If these changes were made, games would be a lot more interesting to watch and I might go to a match. Also streakers should be made compulsory and should be sponsored by their respective teams. The amount of time they evade capture on the pitch should count towards their teams league position.
I was surprized to find that the practice session was quite interesting to watch and the hour seemed to pass quite quickly. My son has never experienced football before so it was quite a lot of new information for him.
I left having made the decision that if we are going to do this then we might as well go 'all in'. Time to visit 'Sports Direct'' and lay down some cold hard cash.
Perhaps I can part exchange the home made shin pads for a store discount.
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