For any of you who are not held hostage by your children and forced to
become over familiar with children’s television; the gruesome twosome pictured
above are Bing Bunny and his carer Flop.
I say carer. To be honest,
the exact nature of Flops relationship to the dark rabbit is a little uncertain.
Is he Bings father? his childminder? some sort of teacher? A beanbag that Bing
has imagined as having a gentle voice and happy personality ?
Actually the last suggestion might make perfect sense given the
observable fact that Flop is (not to put too fine a point on it), one of the
most ineffective and useless parents ever to have been given custody of a
child.
The little terrorist Bing is pretty much allowed to get away with any
bad behaviour with no comeuppance at all. This despite having always been
warned by Flop that it is an inadvisable course of action.
On any given episode the formula is generally the same. Bing and flop
are happily doing something. Bing proposes an utterly stupid or reckless course
of action. Flop gently cautions Bing against this madness. Bing then does it anyway
and then comes to flop in tears when something bad happens as a result. Flop then
gently comforts Bing and makes it all better.
I am going to write to Cbeebies (or whoever the stupid company is) with
the following (in my opinion much better) script for an episode.
[camera in…establishing shot…the zoo exterior daytime]
Narration: ‘it’s Saturday afternoon and Bing & Flop are visiting the
zoo’
Flop: ‘Look Bing, the wolves enclosure’
Bing: ‘Oh wow Flop, wolves are so furry, look…that one is having a wee’
Flop: ‘[chuckles] yes, so he is. Do you need a wee Bing’
Bing: ‘No. I want to go & pet the wolves flop, please can I?’
Flop: ‘No Bing, wolves can be quite dangerous you know. They aren’t
like dogs’
[we see Flop being distracted for a moment as he helps a passing old
lady to pick up her dropped bag. Bing uses this distraction to clamber over the
barrier and into the wolf enclosure]
Flop: ‘Oh Bing no….Come back!’
[Bing ignores Flop, he runs recklessly after one of the wolves in an
attempt to stroke it. The wolf turns around and bites Bing’s hand]
Bing: [Bursting Into tears as he rushes back to Flop] ‘Oh Flop…Flop,
the wolf was nasty and it bit me on the hand…look, there’s blood coming out
Flop’
Flop: [giving Bing a smack around the ears] ‘I told you not to go in
there you stupid bastard. You could very well have been killed. Let’s hope you
haven’t contracted rabies from that bite. Now stop blubbing and let me have a
look’
[the rest of the episode concerns Flop taking Bing to the emergency
room whilst lecturing him on the importance of respecting and obeying your
betters].
If Bing is not stopped, his sense of narcissistic entitlement will doom
any future lady bunnies to a miserable relationship with him.
I imagine him in his thirties,
frittering away payday loans on yet more online casino spins from a dirty two
seater sofa surrounded by empty plastic microwavable curry packaging. His
signature adorable dungarees are shabby and stained . Straining in a vain attempt
to cover the massive expanse of his beer belly. The stench of skunk lies heavy across
the fetid bedsit.
Bing: [on phone] ‘Hi is that Flop? Hi buddy …. Sorry to be a pain but
could you lend me some more money mate?’
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