Today I attended my wife’s ‘Naturalisation Ceremony’ (sounds
a little sinister doesn’t it). A very proud moment for our family. This
magically turns her from an unnatural foreign devil into a nice natural English
lady. All that she needed to do to affect this transformation was to swear allegiance
to the monarch and then sing verses one and three of the national anthem.
I personally was not aware that the national anthem had a
third verse and was at something of a disadvantage to everyone else there as I
did not have a printed copy of the words. I was therefore forced to ‘busk it’
and come up with some legitimate sounding lyrics on the fly. This was the
result:-
(to the tune of God Save Our Gracious Queen)
She has a lot of dogs
She cleans up after them
She’s good like that
She’s got a pile of dosh But she keeps her old socks
She likes collecting clocks
God Save the Queen!
I mumbled my way through this with a look of patriotic devotion fixed
on my features and I don’t think that anyone noticed. One dude had his hand
clasped over his heart and there was a military guy there who insisted on
saluting through the whole thing which was different.
There were some speeches from dignitaries about british history and
what it means to be English and then my wife was presented with a colour
printed certificate and three baby jars of English jam and other preserves. This
concludes the naturalisation and we were left to take some selfies in the nobby
council chambers and then go home and eat our jam.
It does make me feel proud of our nation. I hope that my wife does not
now stop wearing clothing that matches or have retroactive dentistry to make
her teeth snaggley and weird. I have suggested that she now needs to viciously
defend her position on brext (it doesn’t matter which position she takes. The
important thing is to then have no empathy at all for anyone who takes the
opposing view no matter how near you were to voting that way yourself before
you opted to vote as you did).
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