Wood Pervert

Hello,

My name is Ian Gasson & I have a confession to make to you all.

For many years now I have been a wood Pervert.

It started when I used to live on a boat & needed a solid fuel burner for heating.

Pretty soon I found myself hanging around skips on building sites, hoping for just a chance to root through and find some scrap wood to burn when the builders weren’t looking.

When I moved into a house like a normal human being I thought that the condition would lapse. But quicklyI slipped back into bad habits and purchased a burner for my garden room.

Stupidly I told myself that I could handle it & that I would only burn a little bit of purchased wood from time to time.

 

But I was kidding myself and pretty soon the old excitement took hold & I found myself in all sorts of crazy situations as I chased the massive rush of  obtaining ‘free wood’.

Wood perversion is a terrible affliction to bear. I might be driving along one day on my way to a work appointment when, out of the corner of my eye I spot a pile of scrap wood in someone's drive. Instantly my pulse quickens and I start to shake & perspire with excitement and anticipation. I try to ignore it but the niggling gnawing knowledge that there is free wood somewhere; just lying around waiting to be claimed, eventually overwhelms me and I crack.

 

First comes the embarrassing and awkward discussion with the home or skip owner.

'erm excuse me, this might sound weird but I wondered if you would let me take some of your scrap wood there for my burner? I promise to then stop hanging around at the bottom of your drive, drooling and making furtive glances at your lumber'.

Then the frantic excitement as I pull up my car and shovel loads of lovely free lumber into the back as fast as possible so that passers by don’t mistake me for a criminal.

At other times I might be walking in the country, innocently enjoying the wonders of nature, my mind a serene pool of calm contemplation. Then I spot a fallen tree that has been left cut up and my palms begin to itch.

The last time this happened I got home and (without informing my family as to my whereabouts) immediately pulled the car out, drove to Wickes and purchased the biggest axe they could supply. Then; like a nutter, I rushed back to the tree as fast as I was able ( in case another wood pervert beat me to the prize) & proceeded to spend about an hour madly chopping. Unfortunately I had not bargained on how heavy the resulting hardwood would be and so I was faced with the impossibility of transporting my earwig filled treasure back to the car.

In the end; 7.30am found me breaking my back  dragging a massive sack full of lumber down the footpath (to the confusion and alarm of the occasional dog walker or jogger that I passed by).

But even that excitement cannot compete with the blessed joy of getting the liberated wood back home and stacking it in a massive pile in my shed. Mmmm Sooo Goooooood!

Sometimes I let myself into the shed when my wife isn't looking just so that I can look at the pile and inhale the lovely smell created by hornbeam, pine and ash gently drying. Sometimes I will pick up a piece that I have chopped up and admire the grain and texture. I have not yet got to the point of gently whispering comforting platitudes to it but…it’s probably not far off.

The perversion really sets in however, when I am so enamoured of my massive pile that I feel bad about diminishing it. I am then faced with the daily torture of wanting to have a fire in the cold mornings but having to say goodbye to some of my hard obtained lumber thus reducing the height of the pile incrementally.

If you have a similar perversion, perhaps we could meet up & form some manner of support group (Dendoholics anonymous?). We can meet in my garden room in front of....a, in front of a, ...a..a  ROARING FIRE!

Bwaaah Ha Ha Ha Ha.

 

I AM THE WOOD LORD! ALL MUST BOW BEFORE THE AWSOME PILE OF MY MAGNIFICENCE!!

I WILL FIND ALL OF THE WOOD AND GET IT ALL FOR FREE AND PILE IT UP AND LOVE IT FOREVER!

ALL SHALL SEE IT AND DESPAIR!!