Actual Emails to our IT department

 

 

 Hi guys

Just a quick query if I may

My email accounts being

Locked every day

Each day I unlock it

But each morning it’s locked

It’s a mystery

And I’m going out of my box

 And the worst thing about it

Is I can’t get through

The call waiting tunes awful

Please put on something new

 I’m running out of new passwords

I’m not that creative

Pretty soon my brain will become vegetative

 So please can you help me

Please sign my release

Please code out the issue

Please give me some peace

 Many thanks,

Ian Gasson

__________________________________________________________

Dear Ian Gasson,

Incident Reference Number:  INC0310971

Short description of Incident: NHS Mail - Account Password Reset/Unlock

We are pleased to inform you that the above incident was resolved

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

Hi chaps,

Just to inform you that the issue with my email account locking me out persists. It locked me out twice yesterday and again this morning.

On the positive side, I have not had to change my password the last few times I have unlocked it. This is great news as I am fast running out of passwords that I can reliably remember.

If it is not possible to stop my account from locking me out every day I may be forced to start using passwords from well-known Hollywood blockbusters.

Swordfish will be at the top of my list.

Many thanks for your continued support,

 

Ian Gasson

 

__________________________________________________________

Dear Ian Gasson,

Incident Reference Number:  INC0310972

Short description of Incident: NHS Mail - Account Password Reset/Unlock

We are pleased to inform you that the above incident was resolved at 15-01-2019 10:32:57 GMT with the
following resolution notes:

NHS Mail - Password Reset/Account Unlocked. Please remember that you can unlock or reset your password without contacting the HBL ICT service desk by answering your security questions by clicking the "forgotten password" option on www.nhs.net

 

 

___________________________________________

Hi Team,

It saddens me greatly to have to inform you that; despite your staffs valiant and ceaseless effort on my behalf, my email account was once again locked out this morning.

Whilst I appreciate the herculean amount of resources that you have already employed investigating the problem; unfortunately I must entreat you to go ‘once more unto the breach dear friends’ .

I can only imagine how demoralising it must be to have sent me so many emails saying that the problem is resolved, only to taste the bitter tang of defeat the next day when it turns out that it was not resolved at all.

 

As you can no doubt deduce from the fact that I am using email. I have already unlocked the account myself. I must therefore request your assistance in the more delicate problem of finding out why the account is constantly locking me out each day.

I once again wish you & your companions every success in the endeavour. Perhaps today is the day that we will crack the conundrum for good.

 

‘Gentlemen…. to today’s fox!’ [insert sound of an expensive Chrystal wine glass being smashed on the ground from horseback]

I remain yours very thankfully and sincerely,

 

Ian Gasson

Trying to make my Dads Christmas present sound less Boring

 

Congratulations on purchasing the Stanley Fatmax 20” fine cut panel saw. You hold in your hand the culmination of more than eleven years research & development by our specialist tool team.

We started out with a simple vision. ‘To redesign the classic panel saw from the ground up’ . Using state of the art computer modelling and wind tunnel technology combined with today’s laser engineering capabilities; Stanley has been able to realise the dream of a panel saw for the twenty first century whilst still retaining the aesthetic beloved by the artisans of yesteryear.

Bi-material handle screwed and ultrasonically welded for comfort and security

Teeth are precision set to generate clearance of kerf for the blade to cut on both the forward and back stroke increasing cutting efficiency by 30%

3 sided precision ground teeth offer razor sharp cutting edges at every stage of the stroke

Induction hardened teeth stay sharper twice as long
Fine cut blade 11 tpi

Specially tempered handle

Designed to feel more like the blade of a conquering knight than a mere tool

 

The Fatmax 20 an ideal addition to any tradesman’s toolkit. Whether it be for joinery, home diy projects or simply when relaxing in the company of friends. The Fatmax 20 can be enjoyed as a companion to red and white meat or on its own.

We believe that, in the Fatmax 20,  you have purchased not just a saw but a statement. And that statement is:-

 

‘This is a saw’

 

 

We at the Stanley family of tool smiths would like to wish you many years of trouble free sawing.

Trying to Understand Football 3: The terminology

So we are now 'all in' with this football malarkey. Football boots - check. Properly sanctioned shin pads - check. Team football kit & practice ball - big expensive cheque.
He may not be able to keep hold of the ball worth a damn but, by crikey he looks the part out there.

One of the drawbacks to never having watched any football is that I have a woefully inadequate grasp of the rules and culture of the game.
This means that my offspring and I are often left in a state of bemused incomprehension at football training as the coach raps out orders like 'Mark up and stay around the box', or 'receive it on the back foot and then finish'.

What in seven hells are these people talking about? Words appear to completely change or reverse their English meaning when exposed to football.
'He conceded the goal' does not mean that he stood aside and let it roll in (although this would be a rather apt description of my son's performance in goal to date). Apparently it just means that a goal has been scored?

Perhaps commenters can assist me with the following bewildering sayings or add some of your own.

- playing through the ball
- a good engine on him
-Finishing
-down the line
-back foot
- first touch
- close control

One thing I am very happy about is that the practice of 'Shirts and Skins' appears to have been dropped in the twenty first century. I hope that most of you are too young to recall this method of identifying teams that was prevalent amongst PE teachers when I was in secondary school.
Basically, one (lucky) team would be allowed to compete fully clothed, whilst the other players would be forced to strip off their shirts and play 'nipples out'.
Generally speaking; sadistic PE teachers would always place the fattest children on the 'Skins' team so that they could be berated and cajoled into shame by their fitter classmates. I can vividly recall one unfortunate boy in tears following this practice as the whole class chanted at him to 'get his glands out for the lads'.  Poor chap. I hope that he recovered & is living happily somewhere.

Trying to Understand Football: 2 The first session

So I have enrolled my son in the local football team. Saturday morning arrives and I receive a message stating that all children must have 'Shin Pads' in case of 'Hard tackling'.
I don't really know what would constitute hard tackling (something to do with fishing maybe) but I know that we don't have any shin pads & the shops won't be open in time for me to obtain some prior to practice commencing.
Amazon drone delivery where are you now! I take it all back; we need you.

My son is already keyed up for his first practice so there is nothing for it but to try and fabricate some shin pads from items that I have lying around the house. My mind starts whirring with the complex algorithms known only to dads who are trying to bodge together a last minute fix for something.

TO THE SHED!

Now I need to make sure that these shin pads are reasonable enough to pass casual inspection. My son will  already have to put up with a parent who stalwartly refuses to converse with other parents at the edge of the pitch & has never watched a football match. The last thing he needs is to be bullied for having ridiculous 'home spun' shin pads.

The final product is one that (I have to admit) I am quite proud of. The shin pads are a composite of polystyrene, cardboard, damp proof course, staples and lots and lots of gaffa tape. But to the casual observer, they look ok. We have some difficulty getting them onto his shins but in the end I manage to staple them into place and assure him that that is what all the top football players have to do.

'That's why Roonie always looks so edgy'  I say, 'it's coz the staples are digging into his shins all the time'.
We set off for the recreation ground and I get instantly confused as there are around six different groups of children practicing with coaches variously bellowing instructions at them. We finally find the correct group and I usher my sporty offspring in the direction of the other children.

'No Mercy son...there is no fear inside this dojo'

This is what I think about saying. But I keep it all inside. My son is at least a head taller than any other child on the pitch so I guess he will be alright. The gaffa tape shin pads look stunning and I notice that some of the other kids have arrived without proper leg protection after all.
Pathetic. Don't their parents own sheds. A point to team Gasson!

I try and mentally prepare myself for the ordeal ahead of me. Training will last an hour but, all my previous experience of football inclines me to believe that this will equate to around four and a half hours of relative time once the boredom sets in.

I should point out here that I am  one of those blokes who has no interest in football. I don't understand it. I never have.
I just can't see the appeal. Maybe it's due to the fact that no one in my family supported a team or ever watched football. We would watch 'Ski Sunday' together as a family (God knows why as we have never been near a ski slope), but never football.
I was taken sailing and understand what a spinnaker is but I've never been to a football match.

Football (whenever I have had to watch it) appears to go on for a mind numbingly long time without anyone ever scoring.
I have heard that a hundred years ago, score lines were much more interesting (7-2, 12 - 4 etc) & surmise that this is due to peoples smaller stature in years past which made it easier to score and consequently more interesting to watch. One should never underestimate the entertainment value of violence in the stands either.

I would therefore like to suggest to FIFA that all goals be made two feet wider. Also, if; at the 90 minute mark no one has scored; the referee can remove a player from each team every five minutes until there is a decisive result.
If these changes were made, games would be a lot more interesting to watch and I might go to a match. Also streakers should be made compulsory and should be sponsored by their respective teams. The amount of time they evade capture on the pitch should count towards their teams league position.

I was surprized to find that the practice session was quite interesting to watch and the hour seemed to pass quite quickly. My son has never experienced football before so it was quite a lot of new information for him.

I left having made the decision that if we are going to do this then we might as well go 'all in'. Time to visit 'Sports Direct'' and lay down some cold hard cash.
Perhaps I can part exchange the home made shin pads for a store discount.

Hello...

My name is Jane. I am a blind student at Massachusetts Creative Arts College.
Over recent months, I have become increasingly aware that someone at college has been stalking me.
It started with the hairs on the back of my neck raising when I would be in the corridor between lectures. I was sure that someone was following me, staring at me and 'perving' at my butt. The corridor was always too crowded for me to be able to identify who it was but I gradually became more and more aware of this presence.

Then I started to become aware that the same person (a man I think) was often calling me on the phone and hanging up or passing outside my door. 'Hello' I would say, 'is it me you're calling for' but there would just be the sound of heavy breathing and then he would hang up.
I was sure now that it must be someone I knew at college. Maybe one of the other students or a janitor or something. Now that I came to think about it; I remembered always feeling strangely uncomfortable in drama classes. As if someone were staring intensely at me so...maybe it was someone from my drama course.
But when I mentally went through all the guys on the course, it didn't add up. I get on great with all of them, they aren't put off by my blindness. Always joking about me tripping them up with my cane in the corridors at college.

Finally things came to a head one afternoon in the summer. As usual, when alone in the corridor, I became aware of a presence in the hall with me. This time it was very close though.
'Hello..' I called out. But as usual there was no response. This time though he was close. I tapped against his foot with my cane and somehow managed to trace my other hand over his face before he turned and ran away.

It was time to confide in someone in authority. By this time I was feeling anxious all the time & the thought that this man had nearly got me alone made me feel sick.
I booked some time with Brenda (my personal tutor) & she was shocked but very supportive.
'Somehow we'll find a way to identify this perv and catch him' she assured me. But it was difficult to identify him as there was no way that I could give any useful physical description to the cops.
In the end, Brenda hit upon the genius idea of my trying to sculpt his features in my ceramics & clay sculpture class.

I had been taking 'Advanced Clay Sculpture' as an elective on my degree and am told that my busts are pretty impressive by my peers (no pun intended!).
Apparently, they bear an uncanny resemblance to the subject even though I am blind and can only really approximate what they look like by feeling them with my hands (which is often hilarious).
People are always asking me to 'do them' in class.

Brenda spoke to our ceramics lead and she set me up with a big pile of fresh clay & I went to work.
After just a couple of hours I had finished to the best of my recollection.
The response from everyone in the room when I turned it around to show everyone was dramatic to say the least.
The room was filled with shocked gasps and cries of anger as all present immediately recognised the man I had felt up in the hall as Mr Phillips our drama teacher. Even despite the fact that I had used up all of my extra clay on his hair so that it appeared that his face was being consumed by some kind of hair creature. I was told that it was unmistakably him.

Immediately my best friend Tommy bust out,
'' I'm going right now and get that sorry son of a bitch. He can explain to everyone what he means by perving on his blind female students. That sick F*#k isn't going to get away with it any more''.

A few moments later he returned with Mr Phillips in tow. Apparently Tommy had told him that 'something was happening in the sculpture class'.
I quickly confronted him with my big haired evidence.
'' this is how I see you'' I exclaimed in triumph.
He was obviously shocked at having been rumbled as he seemed to go a bit crazy & started walking around the room, singing to everyone that he was the one that I had been looking for or something.
What a psycho.

He was arrested later that day and will not be able to work in education in future from what I am given to understand.
I have stuck the clay bust of his head on the fence outside my flat as a warning to other 'would be' stalkers.